January 15, 2010

With less immediate entertainment such as dinners out or entertainment events to attend, spending more time at home brings us closer together. During January, we have game nights rather than rented movies and delivered pizza. This is a great time to rediscover games we have not played in a long time but still bring us joy such as Risk, Backgammon, Stratego, and our all-time favorite, Scrabble.

January also affords us down time to have deep, rich conversations about components of our relationship we want to improve and places we want to see ourselves. I credit Five Dollar Days of January with giving our relationship audience for conversations that we would otherwise not have or not take as seriously. It may seem as though the practice could invite some pain points in your relationship or get into family arguments about money. If that idea concerns you, I offer the following relationship development solutions.

Schedule a business meeting with your partner. Make an appointment as you would with your dentist. Articulate ahead of time that you will meet in the dining room at X time to discuss

• the current bills,
• financial goals for the coming year, and
• where you see yourselves in five years.

Make certain that when you broach this practice that you are both clear that this meeting is business. There is not an audience to discuss the emotional components of your relationship. It’s like going to work and doing your annual review with your boss. You would talk about what you accomplished, where you can improve, and where you want to be in a year, or five years, right? I argue that you follow this “business” practice to reach the highest possible goals for your marriage.

If you feel so inclined, when your financial meeting is over, you can schedule a secondary meeting to discuss emotional or relationship observations, needs, or goals that are not tied to money. During the early years of our union, Jeff and I had these meetings every three months or so. While we positioned our finances in the best possible way to make the right decisions as we aged, we were also feeling each other out, emotionally and behaviorally. For young relationships, you cannot take for granted that your partner knows that tapping your pencil when you read annoys her. She has no natural knowledge that you don’t like yams until you articulate it. Through the meetings, there are no surprises. When each partner knows that a meeting time exists, each partner has time to prepare topics and ideas to share. As well, you both have the opportunity to prioritize when is important now. Maybe you have a list of 15 things you want to get off your chest, but if you only focus on 3, the constructive criticism is manageable for your partner, you reduce egoism, and you stick to the objective. Finally, when having these meetings, remember that it’s business. Therefore, be functional. There is nothing to yell about, cry over, or dwell on the impossible. If you have issues that deep, ones that cannot be managed comfortably I suggest a trying the business meetings for a few months, and then trying the emotional meetings after you get your cadence of the dialogue. If you feel ready, employ the emotional topics. If you do not, employ a third party. Whatever you choose, use the month as an opportunity of austerity with spending and an opportunity to enrich your love simultaneously.